Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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