I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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