You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
