Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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