he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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