Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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