How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
