i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
