is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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