a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
