Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
