Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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