I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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