In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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