Princesses don't give blow jobs
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
