Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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