im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
