not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
