Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
