I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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