I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
do nipples grow back?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
