the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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