i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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