im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
