I wish I could teleport
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."