My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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