Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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