he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
