i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
