The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
