he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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