just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My nipple is on Facebook.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
