So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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