im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
