fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she looked like the before picture.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.