Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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