i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Can I color on your dick again?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
