Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
