an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
