You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
