Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
