he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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