Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
