I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
