Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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