All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
