I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
