My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
