Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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