Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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