If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
