why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
