I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
