I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.