Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
