I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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