Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
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Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
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My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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