i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
