I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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